Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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