She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize