I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
