yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
