dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
