Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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