one two three fourrrrnication!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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