Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize