I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
