Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
