I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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