The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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