I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
