There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
