i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
