I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
