would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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