Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Your dad touched me again.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
