i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
