i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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