i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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