i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
