Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
