I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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