Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
