Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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