Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
