When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
