Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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