when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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