I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
