I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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