Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize