I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
