It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
