Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
