Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
