he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
