sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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