I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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