It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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