dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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