I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
