wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
