I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
