im holly from the hills drunk
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
