god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
