Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
