Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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