wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize