he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
