Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
