Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
