Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
