First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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