I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
They took my balls.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
