You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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