She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize