when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
