You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
