life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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