Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
