Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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