someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
